Befriend the Darkness

I had an experience once that helped me see darkness in a different way. I was just beginning to date after a few years of being divorced and I was getting very comfortable with making friends. I thought to myself one day, “When the time is right, how in the world do I move from friends to something more?” And the spirit whispered as clear as a bell into my mind, “You’ll have to learn to need someone.” This was an unexpected and dangerous thought. In my experience, I had learned overtly and covertly that it was not okay to need anything from the primary men in my life; that I was to meet their needs, but not to make any demands on them. So, I’d grown very independent. I mulled this rather scary thought over. Could I truly come to need and depend on and trust someone?

Then out of nowhere, a huge chasm opened inside of me. I was hollowed out with pain and loneliness. It was like a vast and endless cave. I could hardly breathe as I was doubled over with tears. I was shocked that I was carrying around this much pain. Oh, wow, I thought, who in the world would marry this gaping wound? The rest of the day was very heavy.

The next day, I went to the Lord. I prayed that He would somehow transform the chasm inside me from needy and desperate into… I wasn’t even sure what, but hopefully something that could lead me to trust and love. I sat on my bed and visualized my prayer. I thought if I’m going to heal this fearsome thing, I ought to look it straight in the face.

So, I pictured myself entering the dark cavern, only the first thing I noticed was, it wasn’t as dark as I thought. The walls were glowing with oranges and reds, like a Southern Utah slot canyon. I followed the curving path deeper and deeper down until I stepped out into the vast cave. What I thought would be filled with ugliness and fear was filled with crystalline formations and beauty and light. I felt an understanding flood over me: the depth and breadth of your pain is now the depth and breadth of your capacity to love.

There are some things you can only learn in the dark. Try not to fear this journey you are taking with your child. If you look, you will find God there. You will find love.

“I found that I could not climb my way up to God in a blaze of doing and performing. Rather, I had to descend into the depths of myself and find God there in the darkness of troubled waters.”

Sue Monk Kidd