Interview on Back-to-School Challenges

I took some time this week to interview someone who came out as trans while in high school. They are now attending university but took time to look back a few years with me. We hope there is something helpful here for those who are trying to help their trans kids have a successful school year. Everything in italics are my words.

Q. What were some of the challenges of returning to school with a new name and presenting as a new gender?

Public bathrooms were a big thing. I didn’t feel safe to go into men’s bathrooms for a long time. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in either bathroom. This was really rough at school. Although the school let me use the gender-neutral bathroom in the teacher’s lounge, sometimes I had five minutes to get to class and the faculty bathroom was all the way across the school.

After I came out, some of my friends distanced themselves or got really awkward. Part of transitioning and coming out, is you discover that some of your friends were real and some were conditional. That was hard. Going down the hall, I’d get weird looks or whispers behind my back. It was really bad at homecoming when I showed up in a suit.

First day of classes was hard. My name wasn’t changed legally, so the teacher would call roll and call me by my dead name. It felt like I had to explain to the whole class, “Actually, no, my name is…” Then everyone just knew automatically. I’m more confident in that now, but as a high schooler, it was embarrassing—like I was exposing myself in front of the whole class. It was also hard when both the kids and the adults would misgender me. I was the first trans person for a lot of these people, so it happened a lot. Mostly people just didn’t know what to do, but sometimes, I’m pretty sure it was on purpose.

I definitely got weird Instagram comments. People saying things like, “Well, if I want to be a fire truck, that doesn’t mean I am a fire truck.” People were ruder online. Some people genuinely wanted to understand, and others were just trolling. I also got pushback on what I posted, once someone said to me, “Oh, are you really going to post that? Are you really going to tell everyone about being trans and make it so public?” It made me feel bad, like should I not tell everyone who I am? It definitely could have been better, but I know people who had it way worse.

Q. What are the most helpful things families and friends can do?

• Trust your child and follow their lead. This is their identity; this is their life.

• Check in with them about coming out. If they want to tell everyone, support them in that. Or maybe they’re not feeling safe to come out, and if so, don’t go talking about it with everyone. Make sure you communicate with your child.

• Also check in with your child before you advocate for them at school. Make sure they feel safe before you proceed.

• Try hard to get the name and pronouns right, but if you get it wrong, don’t apologize profusely. If you make a mistake, a simple acknowledgement and correction is all that is needed. Try saying the new words in your head three time each time you make a mistake.

• Speak positively about trans people and issues in your families and communities, including the school community. You never know who in the room may not be out or may have close loved ones who are trans.

• Say to your child: “I hope you feel safe with me. I want to be a safe space for you. I’m here to talk. I’m here for you.

In the end, my friend agreed that the teen years were tough, but that things got better. In the end, he was glad he stood up for who he was:

I’ve had a lot of people come up to me and say, “You’re the first trans person that I’ve met and you’ve helped me come out; be more myself.” Being your authentic self is really helpful for others who are struggling to be their authentic self.

Wendy Folsom