Mess and Motivation: What Makes Acceptance Hard and Why Parents Do It Anyway

A mom I interviewed shared:

After my son came out as trans, I was trying to figure it all out and I was feeling overwhelmed and like I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. After a while I decided to talk to my kid’s friend’s mom. She is LGBTQ+ and a psych nurse and I thought maybe she would have some thoughts for me. We talked for a while and then she told me that our kids had made arrangements for my kiddo to come live with them if we were to kick him out. And I was like “what?” Like my kid legitly thought when he came out as transgender, we were going to kick him out of our home? Like he legitly had a plan B of where to go. . . And that horrified me.

Most parents I have talked to struggled when their kid came out as trans or gender diverse (TGD). Confusion, grief and fear are common as parents grapple with their child identifying as TGD, and coming to terms with their child’s experience is hard. Still, most parents will do what it takes to be there for their child, maintain a close relationship and promote their child’s wellbeing. Acceptance takes time and it’s a process.

From what I’ve seen, there are reasons parents struggle to accept and reasons that motivate them to take this journey with their child, with love and acceptance.

The Mess: What Makes Acceptance Hard

1. Confusion and Concern

Having their child come out as TGD was the first time most parents I’ve talked to or heard from had thought that might be something they’d face as parents. While TGD issues are becoming more visible socially, most of us who are parents now had never heard of and often are confused by or concerned about a child presenting as TGD.

As members of a conservative religion, exposure to issues of gender identity diversity may have occurred in conjunction with warnings, rejection or reproof. Without a robust understanding of the issue, it is hard for parents to know what to do.

Parents whose children have recently come out have said:

“I’m struggling to wrap my head around all of this. . .”

“I feel confused on how to process this . . . I feel worried about the difficulties he will face. I worry about not being the mom he deserves. I worry about his mental health. I worry about the suicide rate in the transgender population. I worry he will struggle finding acceptance in everyday situations. I worry that I may never understand this the way he needs me to.”

“It takes a lot of studying and reflection to get through it as a parent.”

“I worst-case-scenariod 24/7 the heck out of the first two weeks.”

2. Emotional turmoil and grief

There are so many feelings when a child comes out as TGD. Grief, with its stages, is common, though not ubiquitous. Parents may experience denial, anger, bargaining, and/or depression.

Ambiguous loss is when we feel a profound loss, but it is not quite clear what is being lost. Parents of TGD children often feel ambiguous loss when they have a sense of losing a child who is still alive and present. Gender and gender expression are essential elements of identity, and culturally there are many gendered expectations. Losing that element of a child’s identity and the expectations that went with it are often felt profoundly.

Parents often have a lot of fear for their child as well. Fear that the child will later not identify as TGD and any changes made may have permanent negative effects. Fear that the child (and/or parent) will be socially isolated, marginalized, or the victim of violence. Fear that a TGD identity is not God’s will for the child.

The emotional turmoil, grief and fear make it hard to accept a child as TGD. It takes energy and often a good deal of time to process the emotions.

Parents shared:

“My heart is breaking. . .”

“It was so, so so so hard at first. I was overwhelmed with grief. . .”

“I grieved the life our child would no longer have, the challenges they are going face. There are still moments that I grieve and it’s been over a year.”

“Every new thing is a gut punch! I got to the point where I expected every time I saw that my child posted something new on Facebook I had to brace myself for it. I guess it's better than happening all at once, but either way, it's so hard for us parents to go through!”

3. Social and Religious Norms and Beliefs

As humans, we are social beings. Isolation and rejection register in our brains as dangerous to our wellbeing. We make meaning and gain understanding of things largely based on our social interactions. The very language we use to understand ourselves and others is socially constructed.

When parents’ social and/or religious groups are non-affirming, it can cause great distress to go on a journey that others don’t understand and may not approve of. Additionally, accepting a child as TGD may necessitate new perspectives on religious teachings, which can be scary for parents.

From parents:

“Who could I share the pain with?! What would people think about me, about my daughter, about me supporting my daughter?”

“Over the past few years all the pieces of my belief and faith and religion that used to fit so neatly together do not fit anymore.”

“My friends are deeply in the church still and I feel shame when I’m around them like they won’t accept me if they knew.”

“I love being a member of [my Church], I love the sense of community, I love like pretty much all of our friends and family are members, and so I think initially what made it so difficult, was it was so outside of the norm, for one.”

“It hurts to have part of your family rejected. . . I feel like we are a family in the foyer now, and we aren’t in the chapel anymore. We don’t fit in. And we feel like we’re just kind of on the outside looking in.”

The Motivation: Why Parents Accept a TGD Child

1. Attachment

“Attachment” is the human drive to connect and create safe, stable relationships that are essential to our wellbeing and our sense of self. As parents we need attachments for our own wellbeing and we are motivated to maintain safe, stable relationships with our children to ensure their wellbeing. When faced with a challenge that may impact our relationship or our child’s health and happiness, we generally do all we can to promote both.

Attachment is a powerful motivator for parents to do the work it takes to come to terms with a child’s gender identity. The desire to maintain a close relationship with a child and help them be safe and thrive has come up with every parent I’ve talked to.

Parents expressed:

“This journey isn’t easy for any of us, but it’s hardest of all on the kids living it. So often they teeter on the edge of despair as a result of these trials, and we need to do everything we can to hold them tight and let them know they don’t have to face any of this alone. I’ve seen firsthand how a parent’s support, love, and validation can be the literal difference between life and death. It’s not always easy, but it’s so, so important.”

“She had been through so many years of depression and had been so miserable and so much self-loathing that it’s really not as hard to make that transition to a different name and pronouns when you have seen the other dark side of it.”

“I think it’s more important to preserve the relationship with your kid versus holding so tight to things like a name or pronouns.”

“Her immediate family is very important to her, so if she didn’t have us, she wouldn’t have many people in her life. She just wouldn’t have made it without our support. I really believe that.”

“They just texted that their therapist recently approved hormone treatment and asked if I was willing to go with them to the consultation to ask questions, etc. and generally be a part of it. (The answer in my head is hell no, I don’t want to be a part of it but I always want to be a part of you, so I guess I’m going.)”

2. Personal Spiritual Direction

Many parents also share that they are choosing to be part of their child’s journey in accepting their TGD identity based on personal direction they have received from God.

Feelings of peace and clarity, visions and revelation have helped many parents as they’ve prayed for direction about what to do about their child.

“I’ve received promptings that this is very much HER AGENCY. She is going to walk this road and it ISN’T my job to correct her but to LOVE HER, let her learn, and be here when she needs me.”

“I went to the temple & told the Lord I can’t do it, this is more than I can handle, this is so much more than I can bear. I begged Him to carry my burden. It was the most amazing thing. I literally felt that burden lift right off my shoulders. Then He told me He has a plan for my child so I don’t need to worry, and that my job is to love my child unconditionally. I left the temple feeling peace & relief.”

“We prayed many times about what to do about our gender dysphoric and suicidal 13 year old. Each time our inspiration was "just love her" and we would open to scriptures of love.”

“I said, God, what can I do for my child? I really don't know. And just a feeling of comfort came to me and said, ‘There's nothing you can do to change things. The only thing that

you can do now is just to listen to him and to love him. Just tell him how much you love him and how much you accept him for who he is.’ And that answer to me came so, so strong, I knew that God was telling me just love him.”

3. Social Support

On the flip side of the social pressures that may make it harder for a parent to be accepting, social support may help a parent to come to terms with a transgender child.

When parents find groups that support them in their journey and provide affirming perspectives, resources, and examples, those powerful social influences are likely to promote acceptance.

“We've shared our story, one on one with many people in our [local and regional congregations], and our Church leaders and we have received nothing but support and respect, and, and love we've, we've been embraced in amazing ways.”

“Everybody that knew was very very very kind. We did not have. . . there was no negative reactions from people, which is . . . I’m pretty impressed honestly.”

“Our [local church leader] said there was nothing you can do to let your child know that you love them that will ever keep you from [being worthy]. . .I don’t know if everyone has church leaders that would react like that, but I was really grateful that we did. And he said, ‘you know, if you weren’t accepting your child, I would go back to the question of abuse, and then we would have to consider whether you were being abusive by not loving her and supporting her.’ We appreciated that.”

“It's been a long hard journey and I had a lot to learn. Having these support groups helped me immeasurably!!”

In trying to create affirming social groups, shaming others for not being affirming can pop up, too. While it may seem effective at producing desired (affirming) behavior, shaming another parent is ultimately unhelpful. Shaming erodes safety, and people make the best choices when they feel safe, known and valued.

The journey as a parent of a TGD child can be immensely difficult and emotionally messy. It can also be an opportunity for finding new perspectives, communities, and ways to love your child.

Julia Bernards