Keys for a Connecting Conversation

A year or so after two of my kids came out as queer I was having a rough day and asked a favor of a neighbor. She was happy to oblige and when tears began to slide down my cheeks as we talked she tried to comfort me.

“It’s not your fault,” she reassured. “No one is judging you about your kids. I’ve had kids that left the path and it broke my heart, too.”

I appreciated her intention and her vulnerability, but her assumption about what was upsetting me and how I felt about my kids was incorrect. I nodded mutely, feeling guilty for not correcting her and standing up for my kids. Instead of creating connection the conversation left me feeling uncomfortable and distanced.

Connection is crucial to our well-being as humans. We need to feel seen, heard, understood and valued. And conversations are a key mechanism of connection . . . or they can be.

Unfortunately we have all had conversations that felt anything but connecting--conversations where we felt misunderstood, minimized, or maligned. It’s a painful experience and one we would all like to avoid, for ourselves and for those with whom we’re conversing.

Seeing that our words have not had the desired effect--making someone defensive instead of open to understanding, driving a wedge in a relationship or hurting someone we care about, feels terrible.

Below are some suggestions for having connecting conversations, free of judgment and full of love.

Prioritize understanding

When understanding is our first priority we listen thoughtfully with open minds and can put aside pre-conceived notions. Prioritizing understanding sends a powerful message that the person we are conversing with is worth knowing and seeing, and their experience and perspectives are valuable to us.

It’s natural to assume someone sees or feels the way we would and communicating based on that assumption can feel like a short-cut to connection, but doing so may cause us to miss out on an opportunity to truly understand. That is part of what happened with my neighbor.

One of the things I learned quickly as a therapist is not to assume I know what someone is thinking or feeling. Thousands of conversations with clients and I still can’t read minds. I ask questions instead:

What was that like for you?

How are you feeling about that?

What did that mean to you?

Reflect Back Before Responding

When someone communicates something challenging, painful or problematic, jumping to fix it is a common response. Whether we are reassuring or rebuking, the “fix-it” reflex tends to shut down sharing and closes off connection.

Instead, start by reflecting what you think you heard and asking if you got it right. This lets the other person know you were really listening and you care about understanding, which creates connection and a sense of safety in the relationship.

Here’s what reflecting back might look like:

“It sounds like you are worried about your kiddo and afraid x-y-z will be really destructive in their life.”

“Wow. That was a really powerful experience and meant x-y-z to you.”

“It seems like you’re feeling x-y-z and not sure what to do about it. Am I getting that right?”

“So what I hear you saying is x-y-z. Did I miss anything?”

Emphasize Connection

When it is time to respond let your words emphasize connection. I teach my clients to try the “communication sandwich.”

The recipe is:

Statement of appreciation, connection or admiration

The “meat”: Request, concern, alternate viewpoint

Another statement of appreciation, connection or admiration

Using the communication sandwich can help keep the conversation in the safety zone while delivering a message that might be hard to hear. It reinforces our regard for the person while letting us share our perspective and concern. Here are some examples:

“Your love for your kiddo and your desire for them to be okay is so clear. I wonder if asking more about their experience might actually help both of you, even though it is hard to hear. You obviously value your relationship and want to be connected.”

“I am so grateful to have you as my child! It is a joy to see you figure yourself out. Perhaps in that process, including resources that feed your spirit, too, would help you honor all the parts of yourself. Your dedication to this process is admirable.”

“Our relationship is precious to me. Getting to be with you and hear your perspective is a blessing. I think highly of you and it’s hard to feel like we aren’t on the same page. Could we talk more about how you are feeling about things with our kiddo? Your opinion matters to me and I want to be your partner in this.”

Compassion is Key

How we see others and ourselves is reflected in what we say and how we say it. Seeing others with compassion, believing in their value as human beings and considering them worth our time and attention is apparent in how we communicate.

Also apparent is our frustration, hurt, anger, disregard or defensiveness. Being in the right mindset for a connecting conversation is crucial.

When we see others with compassion, as God sees them, considering the good in them, we will be safe to connect with. Likewise, we, too, are worth seeing with compassion.

If you are feeling unsafe yourself it will be very hard for you to be safe for someone else. Take a break. Connect with people who help you feel safe. Pray to feel God’s love. Establish healthy boundaries. Take care of your needs. See a therapist. Have the conversation with a therapist present, if needed.

Prepare yourself to be in a state to have a compassionate perspective so you can learn, see, understand, validate and connect. Compassionate conversation is connecting conversation.

We hope these conversation keys can help you create the connections you want as you communicate with the people you care about. As you respond to others on this blog, we hope you will utilize these keys to help us create a safe, connecting, judgment-free zone.

Julia Bernards